To those who read the German text „Gott ist gut! … Echt jetzt?“: This is not a translation. Even though some topics will be the same, it is a new and original text.
August 19th in the very a.m. hours my mom passed away. It came very sudden. She had been diagnosed with Leukemia a few months ago and she got Chemotherapy. Since we remembered my dad’s dad living 20 years with Leukemia, our hopes as a family were high for several years to come with mom among us.
How wrong we were. Between the shocking information that the Chemotherapy didn’t work and her death was less than a week.
To me the first few days after the realization of mom’s soon coming good-bye were the hardest. It felt like a final knock out blow in a 12 months boxing tournament.
A little over a year ago I was diagnosed with heart-insufficiency. The cardiac catheterization found heart and blood vessels to be fine. Root cause to cardiac specialist was simple: my significant obesity. Now this was caused by an untreated depression, which was very strong between 1993 and 2003 and just present since 2003. In 2003 I got to know Jesus as my personal savior.
Beginning of October I finally was connected to a therapist with an open spot for me. Shortly before Christmas those talks made me able to ask my medic for physiotherapy. Due to the heart-insufficiency I became extremely immobile. Both therapies are working. Just that the physiotherapy effects are far to little for my liking. But patience has never been one of my strong points.
My dad has been paralyzed after an operation close to the spine many years ago. At first he could use a walker, but was forced into the wheelchair quite quickly. – After the Leukemia diagnosis and beginning of chemotherapy for my mom, my dad had an accident at the practice of his physiotherapist and broke a leg. So he had been hospitalized. Shortly before he would be transferred to rehab closer to my parents home, mom also got hospitalized and never made it home again.
I was sad. I have been angry. I cried heavily. I shouted: „God, it is enough already. I cannot take it anymore!“
It is in those weak moments when the enemy tries to make you stumble and sends negative thoughts. „Now, where is your oh-so-good god? Where is he, when you need him most? Random people you prayed for got healed. But your mom, your dad, or yourself? … Nada! Nothing! … And remember your carrot. Shiny and juicy orange carrot hanging in front of your face. Ready to eat. But would god let you have a bite? Nooooooooo! … Now again tell me, how good is your god?“
My carrot. When I was a member of an evangelistic ministry, I have been writing tracts together with the ministry leader. We wanted to write a tract on healing. At this time the wife of the ministry leader met a doctor from Hamburg, who was also praying for his clients while giving the classic medical treatment. He had incredible testimonies. So we decided to write this tract together with him. While interviewing him at his practice, he shared about people losing 30kg of weight on the spot after being prayed for. He had several of such stories to tell. So, losing a significant amount of weight supernaturally, became my carrot (not an idol, just something I very strongly desired to experience).
I became friends with this doctor. When he opened up healing rooms near his practice in June 2012, I came part of the volunteer team. 3 Fridays of a month I would travel by train from Berlin to Hamburg to pray for the sick.
Besides of the prophetic, physical and inner healing plus deliverance became hot topics in my faith life very fast. In the wife of the evangelistic ministry leader I had a good teacher for these topics. Also I read a lot of books by acknowledged experts. So when I received the official farewell from the evangelistic ministry, I was prepared to serve in the healing rooms.
In those 6 years before the heart-insufficiency derailed me, I witnessed awesome prayer answers. It were many different team members, I have been praying with. We did not receive any special training and did not go through any kind of team building program. It was solely the Holy Spirit building the team.
I do know many quotes from the bible, but would have a hard time pointing to the exact book, chapter and verse. So God always provided a team partner, who would immediately check his bible and provide these details for our clients. Also the revelations we received in prayer for them would build up on each other or confirm each other, when we independently presented them to our clients.
Whatever good happened to our clients, we always knew one thing for sure: It is by the grace of God this happened. It was never our doing or cleverness.
Over 6 years and on every single one of these Fridays, there was this one prayer moment that made the days travel worthwhile. Never did I have to count a Friday’s travel a lost day.
Oh, how good is God!
„Come on“, says this mean voice in my head, „were you not told to walk from victory to victory. From blessing to blessing. All you needed to do was asking Jesus into your life?“
Actually, God never promised us that everything would be peachy from the day we received Jesus. Just look on a few stories from the bible. Joseph was sold by his brothers into slavery and suffered some and some more before all turned into a blessing. David had already been anointed king of Israel, when the still reigning king Saul would try to kill him several times. And then there is Job.
Job is described as a man, who hardly ever sinned. He was careful about observing sin offerings. He even gave some sin offerings, just in case someone of his family would have committed a sin. He became key character in a challenge. Lucifer provoked God by claiming Job would fall away from Him, if he would no longer be blessed or worse. God was sure about Job and allowed Lucy to through anything on Job, except for killing him.
Job did not see what was coming at him. Within a very short period of time he lost all children, all earthly wealth, and was hit with a plaque. His wife was not very supportive either. She suggested that he should give up faith and kill himself. No more needs for enemies, right? And his friends… Oh, boy if they only kept their mouths shut. Very soon after grieving with Job his friends looked for reasons to the catastrophe. „Dude“, one argued, „such things do not happen by chance. What sin did you commit?“ „Yeah“, another added, „you must have been really bad!“ … And so on… Job finally lost control: „Fellows! I am the holiest of holies here. No one committed fewer sins than me!“
The argument was ended by The Lord, God, himself. He made clear who is the potter and who is the clay.
After all the suffering, arguing, and being called to order, Job proclaimed the following:
Job 42: 1Then Job replied to the Lord: 2“I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you. 3You asked, ‘Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?’ It is I—and I was talking about things I knew nothing about, things far too wonderful for me. 4You said, ‘Listen and I will speak! I have some questions for you, and you must answer them.’
Wait for it! … Wait for it!
5I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes. 6I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance.”
I would not go as far as Job to say, „but now I have seen you with my own eyes.“ However, I follow Davids example (study his psalms): I spill my gut to God (i.e. being honest about my feeling); turn away from the problem and look to God; and proclaim my faith and trust in his goodness and grace.
Not for second in the last 18 months or even last 10 days did I doubt God’s goodness. And I tell you, to recognize how deep this faith is rooted in me, astonished me quite a bit.
Dear reader, wherever you are in your life right now, no matter how impossible your circumstances occur, I challenge you:
Look away from what is hurting you.
Turn your eyes and your heart on Jesus.
Reach out for fellowship with people who already know Jesus.
Life will not be all sunshine afterwards. But there is comfort, rest, and healing in Jesus!
Shalom, everybody!
Ralf Kühne 