Two and a half weeks ago I returned from Rehab. Being back from the secure habitat of a clinic in real life, is challenging.

For one thing I am glad to be back home. I love this place where I am living. Nice people. Nice apartment. Mostly nice colleagues at work. Nice people at the ministry, where I do voluntary work. Sleeping in my own bed! Having done a lot of the right stuff nutrition wise, cause I lost another 4 kg in two weeks. Being able to actively ask for help, when needed.

On the other hand I could have used the company of the other patients and the therapists at the clinic. I do not thing anyone, neither been trained in psychiatry nor having been in a place like me, can remotely understand what is like fighting depression and its aftermath.

If there would not be this crazy faith in Jesus Christ, I would have been lost already. Prayer, sometimes not much more than sigh or groaning, keeps me going and keeps me sane. Constantly thoughts and visions of my short comings, fears of turning back into a fully blown depression, need to be fought. Without HIM, I could not do it.

Looking back at the last two and a half weeks, there have been a lot of victories. I lost another 4 kg weight. This is incredible, truly incredible. Instead of 100% of all transit to work being done by taxi, I managed to go by public transport 75%. – But it is hard, and I mean really hard, to look at it as victories. It is much easier to just focus on the 25% taxi and thing of myself as a looser.

In the clinic the other patients and the therapists would have seen the improvements and given me positive feedback. Here at home nobody sees it, unless I point them to it. And I hate blowing my own trumpet.

Thanks to this crazy faith, that this relation with Jesus is actually a two-way road, where HE is talking back, I do receive a positive feedback from HIM when praying. In those moments my focus is lead back to the moments of victory. The images of losing and the fears are getting smaller.

As addressed in the last post, the question of identity is key in this mind game. Who am I? Am I worthy just because I am here? What is my prime purpose in life? – I am Ralf, a beloved child of the Father who is in Heaven. Because of this I am worthy right here and right now. My foremost purpose in life is the relation with Jesus.

To know that my heavenly Father loves me, helps to appreciate the thought that I could  actually love myself. Jesus said, love your neighbor as you love yourself. … Sometimes I feel really sorry for my neighbor. … However, only sometimes and not all the time. I am growing into the ability to love myself. Today I appreciate myself. I love some of my character features and some of my gifting (for instance writing texts you find in this blog).

I have not yet arrived at this point of being able to actually love myself. Though I am sure it will happen one day. I pray this day is not too far away from now.