Depression… Meee? … Noooooo!

Depression. In my mind this disease has long been an expression of weakness and personal failure. If you like, an excuse for weaklings and losers who want to hide behind a disease. A lack of discipline, a lack of self-control, and a lack of responsibility for one’s own life found a shelter in the psychic-corner of the disease-universe.

Well … And one fine day you find yourself sitting in the room of the ward doctor of a psychosomatic rehabilitation clinic, after you have always been „lazy“ and – once again – more fat in the last 12 to 18 months.

For a long time, I had been tormented by the question of how I was able to increase over 100 kg within a year, in 1992/93, without realizing this and seeking help. It was clear to me that the changes from 1991 to 1992 were the triggers that had started a depression lasting over 11 years. But it seemed to me a lame excuse that this justification would be enough for what came then.

At the end of 1991, I was extremely in love. But the relationship has not worked and I have never gotten over this disappointment. In addition, at the end of September 1992, the company was closed, where I had been training and working since then. At the same time, I studied Business Administration in parallel to working full time and was in the preparatory semester for the diploma thesis. From February to the end of July, I had a maximum of 10 minutes a day to work, the remaining 7 hours and 50 minutes were mandatory. From August I had a new job. In November, the company was threatened to be closed while I was working on the diploma thesis. I did not meet the demands of performance, career success, and successful partner search. I did not work as I expected it from me or thought it would be expect from me by „society“.

In short, in 1991, I lived with a very positive, hopeful life and my future looked splendid; In 1992, everything that had given me some security broke away. At that time I was 28 years young.

What I got out of this depression, I describe here.

In the middle of February this year, I was sitting opposite this head doctor. I had just told her about the changes from 91 to 92 and asked her my question about the 100kg weight gain in 12 months. She looked at me and asked with a serious expression: „And you believe that this is not enough?“

At first I was messed up. In the following weeks I had some conversations with another psychotherapist at the clinic, my so-called reference therapist. I understood slowly, what are the causes and symptoms of depression (just search the web for „symptoms causes depression“). Furthermore, I understood that the incapacity to look for help is typical of depression.

Fatigue, pondering without action, excessive food consumption (or even starvation), … All this has nothing to do with personal failure. It is part of the disease. This realization – after three and a half of seven weeks of rehabilitation – finally set in motion a healing process.

I realized now that in the last year and a half I had been tapped back into a similar case as in 1992. This time it was essentially my demands on my physical performance, which were not fulfilled. When I could not ride a bike or run properly after a fall and a sharp strain in the left leg (from the back to the toes), I did not look for any help. I dropped more and more into paralysis. Lastly I was only able to move more than 200 meters without calling a taxi.

The healing process has not been completed with the end of rehab a few days ago. The process has just begun.

The focus of this process is my self-esteem. The less I love myself, the less my self-esteem. The questions are: „Am I valuable, simply because I am, or am I valuable when I am a 100% selflessly functioning part of society (whether work, family, friends, community, …) and my own needs denied? “

To make it clear: to answer the second question with yes was my way into the depression. A happy YES to the first question helps me get out of the depression.

By this yes to the first question I am learning at the moment …

To appreciate offered assistance
Ask for help
To look forward to being helped
To discover my needs and to communicate them to others
To discover my limits and to explain them to others
To be kind and patient with myself

Also useful was the occupational therapy during rehabilitation. Here are some pictures that allow me to get an insight into my thoughts and feelings:

Camouflage is everything:

Explanation: The fish is not really happy. He is deeply afraid, his camouflage would be recognized as such. Cause he is a fish and not a shark, he fears to be eaten alive instead of being accepted. The fish wants to join other fish of his kind and leave the sharks. Unfortunately he does not know, how to get there.

Sorrows and daily treadmill:

Number eleven = the plane
Number twelve = flock of birds
Sign post = „I am daily counting all my sor(rows)“
Bubble = „Book of Romans, that is all I am saying!“ -> Referring to the promises like Romans 8.1
Windmill = „Duty“, „Function“, „Law“